Open Post on the Lonliness of the Magical/Esoteric Path

[causticus]

General discussion thread for how to deal with the loneliness issues that tend to creep up as one advances further down this path. The usual etiquette of Ecosphian discussions apply here.

Comments

[leahkiser]

My husband has no interest whatsoever in religion, mysticism, or spirituality. He has his downstairs home office and the tv room, I have my upstairs home office and studio. Most days we only see each other at dinner until time to call it a day. Sometimes we go out for lunch or do local events, home projects, or gardening on weekends, but most weekdays and rainy/cold weekends we live separate lives now. Almost like glorified roommates - so I'm interested in seeing what others have to say. We have no animosity. We've just drifted very far apart in our interests, especially since the kids are all adults now. It's lonely, and none of my friends or acquaintances are on this path either. I'm perched here on the top of the Hermit card and have no idea how to get down. I was never good at making friends even when I was younger. Now it seems impossible. Thanks for listening.

[lp9]

No advice, but I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I imagine that the empty nest phase is already a fraught time in a marriage and then vastly diverging interests could make it even more difficult.

[leahkiser]

Thank you.

[the_copper_dragon]

At least for me, the making friends part isnt hard it's the issue of
1. Keeping them or
2. Distance.
Of course impostor syndrome certainly likes to come around to play.*sarcasm*😅

Naw...I call bs on not being good at making friends ☺. That's crazy talk in my honest opinion, lol. Best people I've met either in real life and online who said that were really cool and had a lot of interesting things to share.

Ah yes,dont know about being an empty nester other than it causes some distruption in the house for a while before things settle again.

[jprussell]

Something I've found helpful for keeping friends, even over a distance: have a regularly scheduled excuse to talk, even if it's only over the phone. Video chat can be good if it's an option. The main thing is to make it the same time every week/month/quarter/year so that folks can plan around it. Some of the excuses that have worked for me:

1) Monthly D&D game (first in-person, then moved to Zoom)
2) Monthly/Bi-Monthly whiskey tasting night (helps if you have a knowledgeable friend to run it!)
3) Weekly history book club - agree on a book, read a chapter a week, then discuss
4) Quarterly-ish zoom happy hour with friends I used to work with
5) Annual campout
6) Annual holiday party (my wife and I have thrown a New Year's Eve party most years, because it's our anniversary)

Besides the regularity, it helps to have some hard and fast rules like "the event happens if at least X people show up" or "we can reschedule if a majority of people invited all agree on a new time". Stuff comes up, folks can't always make it every time, but you might be surprised how often how many make the time.

The last year and a half have been rough on all of these, they've been all the more appreciated and helpful when we've made them work.

[causticus]

Ohhh I haven't had a good D&D session in about 6 years. Having it over Zoom seems to open up a lot of options, like using a game manager application like Roll20 to automate the more tedious aspects of tabletop play.

Too bad I've lost touch with all the friends I used to game with at one time or another.

D&D

[randomactsofkarmasc]

We had a fun online D&D group during quarantine. We used Roll20 and D&DBeyond for the actual game play, but used Discord instead of Zoom. You can have audio-chat and typing-chat (I'm sure they have real names... I don't know what they are, though) at the same time. I had great fun finding memes to post in the Discord chat when I wasn't actively hacking and slaying. (And if you set up a group is Discord, it keeps the chat, so it was a convenient way to post reminders about where you were or what you were doing and such.) (Zoom might do all that, too, though. I just haven't used it enough to know.)

Re: D&D

[causticus]

Yeah if I do this it's probably going to be on Discord. That's where I pretty much do most of my hanging out online now, besides these blogs.

[leahkiser]

Thank you. Those are good ideas.

[the_copper_dragon]

Well what i mean is that the people I make friends with are either people I eventually let go because they're too unhealthyfor me to have around or its just time to let them go silently.

I've used Discord,zoom and streamyard, but it's just not the same after a while tbh. Though i am itching to play pathfinder/DnD again and have been craving a massive bonfire for some time.

[leahkiser]

Ah, imposter syndrome. I can definitely relate to that.

To be fair, one of my kids had adhd and bounced off the wall all day as a child (and thankfully outgrew it as an adult), and one young adult with anxiety issues that has never abated, and my husband has no social life other than Facebook even before covid. Even as a grade school and high school student I never really made lots of friends, so all of us may have some sort of anti social wiring. My grandmother in her old age would never leave her house, lol. I don't think I'll ever be that bad - at least I hope not!

As for distance, I've found when you or they move away, it's not much better than trying to have a long distance love interest. It doesn't really work great. I empathize with you on that, too.

[the_copper_dragon]

Got ADD/ADHD myself though i was diagnosed as an adult. I dont think people outgrow ADHD/ADD, they just learned how to cope with certain issues they have in a healthier manner earlier in life to where it doesnt conflict with their adult lives, not as much at least.

[leahkiser]

You may be right. At 34 there are a lot more skills than, say, 10 or 12. But honestly, I think a lot of the energy got redirected to the online games they play.